It’s been a tough week this week, and not because of anything unfortunate befalling me this time. It was a completely new experience, realizing that I’ve been doing wrong and bringing pain into my life due to my own actions. I am a proud person, and I am also an insecure person, and sometimes these things clash and cause me to be less than honest about how I really feel. Perhaps I am a coward and afraid of being truly vulnerable. Perhaps I have no confidence in being able to pick myself up after being messed up by people. I suppose I’m afraid of pain, and so afraid that I’ve forgotten how to choose a path without it, but a path that everyone rightly is entitled to.
I need to change that.
I think being in relationships forces you to grow. It forces you to confront the worst parts of yourself and to change. It also brings out the most vulnerable parts of you. Sometimes you have to learn to overcome these issues yourself, and it is difficult because were you single, you would not have had to face them. And yet it is unfair for you to expect your partner to make these issues vanish, especially if there is nothing they can do about them.
Sometimes I feel insecure and afraid. I think it may be because I have strong feelings and a sensitive heart, and I have never put so much hope into anyone before. It is something I have to face though, because if I run away from this forever, I will never understand what it means to be truly in love.
And I want to do it for real.
It is so much scarier putting your heart and soul into something that may actually have a future, instead of something that you knew was going to get screwed up sooner or later down the line. But you know what, the happy people do it, the brave people do it and my mom and dad did it, and so can I.
So last night/this morning I had a dream in which I was pregnant and was going to give birth. It was the strangest dream and it felt so real, and I was so scared of having to do it. I tried to put it off for as long as possible, but the doctor went ahead and cut me up in the end. In the dream the emphasis was on the fact that I was pregnant and my belly. I really had no concern for the child that came after, so this morning, this is what I looked up in the dream dictionary to find out what it meant.
It’s really quite true that I’ve developed a great deal in my personal life this week.
I guess pain and growth are all a part of life, and I’ve chosen the hard way to learn because of my prideful and stubborn nature. However if at the end of it all lies happiness, I have no regrets living this way. It’s 11:11 right now, and as always, I’m making a wish to be happy forever with my babe. ❤ I’m also always grateful for the little things in life, like how the trees look after the rain. Fresh.
It’s been a quiet and happy Easter Sunday.